Q. All
the men I date seem to expect sex on the
first or second date. How long should I wait
before becoming intimate with a man?
A. It
depends on what you're looking for. If
you want to date recreationally and want
short-term relationships based on physical
attraction and sexual release, you'll
probably want to get it on as soon as
possible. It is unlikely that a sex partner
would be totally honest about his STD
status in the heat of passion on the
first date or so.
You'll
have the best chance for a long-term,
committed relationship if you choose
a partner who similar values, beliefs,
and vision to yours. The problem
is knowing these things within the first
few dates or even the first few months.
Once the relationship becomes sexual,
sex tends to dominate everything-at least
for a while. Sex early on kills true
emotional intimacy.
You
can't reveal your inner selves to each
other when you're rolling around under
the covers. It usually works
better to have sex with a person you've
come to know and like rather than try
to like the person you're having sex
with. You can find plenty of people to
have sex with. Finding a soul mate to
share your life with is a lot more difficult.
So
how long does it take to really get to
know someone? Well, it sure
takes more than a few dates. A man or
woman who doesn't want to wait for you
is telling you-even non-verbally-that
he or she just wants physical gratification.
Once the monotony sets in, the lover
checks out. Holding out for a few dates
is actually a great screening device
to separate the players from the real
prospects.
Q. How
can you tell if someone is really right
for you?
A. There
are really only two ways. First,
by being clear about who you are and
what you want in a relationship. Mr.
Right is not the guy who pays attention
to you. The right person for you is the
one who meets your requirements, needs,
and wants. And these requirements, needs,
and wants are yours to decide. Not friends,
not parents, not even children: yours.
It is, after all, your life and your
relationship.
Second,
you can test these requirements, needs,
and wants by dating a lot of people. No
individual will satisfy all your requirements,
needs, and wants. But if you have dated
several dozen prospects instead of just
several, you'll have a greater chance
of finding someone who comes closest
to fitting your image of the ideal partner.
Said another way, how can you know what
your favorite flavor is if vanilla is
all you've ever tasted?
Q.I
am in a committed relationship, but my
boyfriend never tells me he loves me.
He also doesn't want to talk about future
plans. He says there'll be time for that
later. How can I get him to discuss the
next steps in our relationship?
A. Wake
up, girlfriend. You're committed
to the relationship, but he obviously
is not. A committed relationship has
both partners acknowledging to each other
and to the world that the relationship
is exclusive and permanent. By the way,
he's not wrong. The two of you just want
different things out of the relationship.
You have a choice to make: you can wait
for him to commit and to want what you
want. Or, you can leave to make room
in your life for someone who does want
the same committed relationship.
I
know it's scary to start over, but realize
that this guy may never commit.
Someday, you may look back and realize
that you've wasted a lot of years waiting.
There are men out there right now who
are looking for that committed relationship.
So go find one of them, or just keep
waiting.
Q.I've
been in a relationship for several years,
and just found out my boyfriend is married.
I'm just devastated. How can I make him
leave his wife? I'm afraid to tell him
that it's either her or me. What do I
do?
A. Sorry
to tell you this, but it's going to be
her. You're just the girlfriend, the
affair, the convenient honey. Despite
your (I assume) passionate and romantic
relationship, he still hasn't found the
motivation to leave his wife, has he?
And the research is pretty convincing:
men who leave their wives for their girlfriends
usually break up with the girlfriends,
even if the men married them.
However,
there's a bigger issue here. This
man has been lying to you throughout
your entire relationship. Just reverse
the situation: by not telling you about
his wife, this guy has been cheating
on you as well! Now that you've caught
him, he'll probably do what cheaters
do in this situation. He'll say he's
sorry, beg forgiveness, and do almost
anything to have things the way they
were. Of course, that means wife at home
and you on the side. Be strong. You deserve
a man all your own. Dump him today.
Q.I
think my husband's cheating on me. How
can I tell for sure?
A.Do
you have any real clues, or are you just
insecure in a relationship that doesn't
meet your needs? If it's
your insecurity, find out why you feel
that way. Otherwise, you'll both be unhappy
because your husband will never be able
to reassure you no matter what he does.
On
the other hand, most cheaters are pretty
bad at covering their tracks. Either
they want to be caught so that their
spouses will leave them, and then they'll
be free. Or, the non-cheating spouse
is in denial despite clues everywhere.
There
are a number of good books that can help
you with the detective work to catch
a cheater. Some of them are
listed in the Resources section of this
website. Mostly, just keep your eyes
open and listen to your heart.
When
you have hard evidence or a confession
it will be put up or shut up time, and
that will be painful. This is
why so many people stay in denial. But,
you deserve better. So if the cheating
is real, fix it or leave. Don't tolerate.
Good luck.
Q. I
just found out that my boyfriend has
been cheating on me with several of my
friends. When I confronted him he told
me things will be different when we're
married. But, I still can't get over
his infidelity. Am I just being childish,
or will things get better after the wedding?
A. You've
just hit on one of the key reasons so
many relationships and marriages fail. People
don't change. By the age of 20 or so,
people are who they are. Actually, most
marriages don't “go bad”.
They started out bad because one person
picked the wrong partner. You've hooked
up with a cheater.
If
he doesn't take your relationship seriously,
why would he be monogamous in a marriage? You
can do better. Leave now. And, by the
way, these are friends?
Q. After
a number of relationships-some serious-here
I am alone again. What can I do to find
someone who wants along-term, committed
relationship?
A. This
will sound backward, but the answer is
to be more choosey. Many singles
are desperate to get into a relationship,
so they settle for the next person that
pays them some attention. The result
is an unhappy relationship that fails
when one partner realizes that they are
a poor match.
It's
the difference between having a relationship
and being in the right relationship. Next
time around, take your time, be more
selective, and make your next relationship
your last relationship.
Q. I
am divorced with two children at home.
I've dated a number of men. But, when
they find out I have kids, they bolt.
I love my children, but I want a life
partner as well. Help!
A. You
don't have to tell all on the first date.
The first date is just getting to know
the other person well enough to decide
if you want a second or third date. By
that third date, however, he deserves
to know your family situation (and you
his). Hiding your motherhood until the
two of you are emotionally attached is
less than honest.
It
would be normal for the man to feel used
and deceived. And all good relationships
are based on openness and honesty. Besides,
if a man doesn't want an instant family,
he's not wrong. He's just wrong for you.
Be
honest about your situation. By
not wasting your time on men who don't
want children, you will be keeping yourself
open to meet and date men who do like
kids. And, especially, men who will like
your kids.
Coach Kathy
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