We’ve all been reading about Gov Spitzer’s fall from grace.  The question I hear most often is:  should his wife forgive him and stay with him or should she dump him?  There are many different reasons why a woman would stay with a man who has cheated, and I’m sure she has hers.  I would find it very hard to stick with someone who has so publically humiliated me.  While it’s true that she has done nothing wrong, and nothing to be ashamed of, his actions reflect on her.  By standing by him, she gives the appearance of approval to what he’s done.  Will this marriage last?  Now that he’s been forced to resign from office, I don’t think so.

Dating  seems to be passe on many college campuses today.  Students are less into dating and more into hooking up - a casual sexual encounter with no expectation of forming a relationship, or even a second hook-up.  I find this trend troubling.  While each person has the freedom to choose his own sexual behavior, most women have a hard time separating sex from love.  They agree to these hook-ups with the understanding that there will be no strings attached.  But the truth is that women usually do form some bond with the people they have sex with.  That’s the first problem. 

The second problem is that college students report they just don’t have time to date.  If they can’t make time to date while enrolled in approx 16-20 hours of classes per week, how will they find time to date once they have a job and work 40-50 hours per week?  They will have more free time during their college years than they ever will. 

One study reports that the real reason may be that young adults are more interested in their career at this point than finding a spouse.  There’s nothing wrong with that.  Let’s just be realistic about it.  If they want to wait until later in life to start looking for a partner, that’s their choice.  I just want them to understand that college provides the best opportunity to find someone with similar interests and goals, and the most free time in which to find that person.  I certainly don’t think that if you don’t find your mate while you’re in college you never will, but this is the time to be dating different people and deciding what type of person will be right for you.  There are so many different people on a college campus that you can try lots of different ones.  Then, when you’re ready to seriously look for your mate, you’ll know what to look for.

Has marriage gone out of style?  Many couples say they don’t need a piece of paper to tell them that they’re in love.  That’s true, but marriage is still an important part of any committed relationship.  Aside from the legal benefits of marriage, there is still one big reason why marriage is important.  One woman wrote recently that she and her man have been together for 20 years but they are not married because they want to remain individuals within the relationship.  They have their own bank accounts and finances.  Marriage, she says, would only put additional pressures on them. 

What pressures would marriage put on a couple that’s committed to each other?  The pressure of knowing that you’re not going to walk out if things don’t go the way you planned?  The pressure of knowing you have publicly declared that you will remain together for the rest of your lives?  The pressure of vowing to stay with your partner even when someone better comes along?  I don’t call this pressure - I call it commitment.  And you don’t really have it unless you’re married.

Christmas should be a time for celebration and joy.  But for many, it’s a time for the blues.  Singles wish they had a partner.  Many couples are unhappy with their relationship and wish they had something better.   Some marrieds wish they were divorced.  Seems like we’re never happy with what we have, and are always wishing for more. 

Rather than wishing for something better, find the joy in what you have.  Concentrate on the good things in your life and you will have a happier Christmas and a happier life.  Relish your relationships with family and friends.  Rejoice in who you are, not what you want to be. 

Holiday season is here and in full blast.  Many singles find this a difficult time of year.  They really want someone to share the holidays and New Years with.  That’s how so many of them end up with the wrong person.  They think anyone is better than no one.  I disagree.  It’s better to be single than be with the wrong person.  At least when you’re single you can still look for the right one.  If you’re with the wrong person, you’re not even looking for someone better. 

My top 5 reasons why it’s good to be single for the holidays:

5.  You don’t have to pretend to like the cheap perfume he bought you.

4.  You don’t have to buy any ties or socks as gifts.

3.  You can watch all the football you want and don’t have to fight over the remote.

2.  You don’t have to go to your partner’s office party.

1.  You don’t have to spend Christmas with your in-laws!

A friend of mine recently got married.  It’s the first marriage for both her and her new spouse.  We were talking after she returned from the honeymoon and she casually mentioned that she was going to quit her job.  I was surprised since she has always been a go-getter in her office.  She said she needed to concentrate on her marriage and ‘give it a chance to work’.  I was dumbfounded.  With an attitude like that, is it any wonder that so many marriages end in divorce. 

I often read articles from ‘experts’ who recommend new ways to date.  They rightfully point out, as I have, that the current way just isn’t working for most people.  The divorce rate remains high, which proves that we still don’t do a good job of choosing the right person for our partner. 

Rather than trying one of these new fad ways to date, why not go back to what’s worked in the past?  Don’t limit yourself by dating just one person at a time.  Comparison shop.  Dating several people simultaneously will help you weed out the ones who are not right for you.   Then you can concentrate on the ones who could be right for you.  This is explained in detail in my book.  Stop wasting months, or even years, on the wrong person.  If you really want to find a life-long partner, the fastest way to do so is to ‘parallel date’.  Dating several people at once until you find the one you want to concentrate on is the best way.  For more information, get my book at www.dearkathy.com.

Seems like it’s common for young adults thinking of marriage to have questions about how to split the bills.  What does he pay for and what does she pay for?  Especially when there’s a big difference in incomes, they wonder what’s fair.  My answer is:  if you’re trying to make it ‘fair’, then you shouldn’t be getting married.  Marriage is about love and commitment, not being fair.  The only way a marriage will work is if the bills aren’t his and hers, but ours.  Pool you money and stop keeping score of who pays for what.  There may be times throughout your marriage when one partner may be out of work or their income may change dramatically.  Do you re-allocate the bills every time?  If you don’t trust your partner enough to share all your expenses, then you need to find a different partner.

Infidelity is the leading cause of divorce.  Yet many women will continue to date someone and who has cheated on them.  These women think their man will change, that it was just a one-time thing.  As I said in my book, “Relationship Remorse,”  people rarely change once they become adults.  Cheating is usually a behavior pattern and it’s hard to break.  So if faithfulness is important to you in your relationships, don’t date a cheater!

I heard an “expert” on a national TV show recently talking about how to deal with the children in a blended family.  His advice - all children should have equal rules and only the bio parent should provide the discipline.  I agree that all the children should have equal rules.  However, I strongly disagree that only the bio parent should provide the discipline.  If the new family is to survive and grow, the children have to understand that both parents are united on the discipline front and that either parent, whether their “real” parent or not, now has equal authority.  If a child will not accept discipline from their step-parent, the new family will not survive.  This is the number one reason why second, and third, marriages fail.