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Q.
All the men I date seem to expect
sex on the first or second date. How long should
I wait before becoming intimate with a man?
A. It depends on what you're
looking for. If you want to date recreationally
and want short-term relationships based on physical
attraction and sexual release, you'll probably
want to get it on as soon as possible. It is unlikely
that a sex partner would be totally honest about
his STD status in the heat of passion on the first
date or so.
You'll
have the best chance for a long-term, committed
relationship if you choose a partner who similar
values, beliefs, and vision to yours. The
problem is knowing these things within the first
few dates or even the first few months. Once the
relationship becomes sexual, sex tends to dominate
everything-at least for a while. Sex early on
kills true emotional intimacy.
You
can't reveal your inner selves to each other when
you're rolling around under the covers.
It usually works better to have sex with a person
you've come to know and like rather than try to
like the person you're having sex with. You can
find plenty of people to have sex with. Finding
a soul mate to share your life with is a lot more
difficult.
So
how long does it take to really get to know someone?
Well, it sure takes more than a few dates.
A man or woman who doesn't want to wait for you
is telling you-even non-verbally-that he or she
just wants physical gratification. Once the monotony
sets in, the lover checks out. Holding out for
a few dates is actually a great screening device
to separate the players from the real prospects.
Q.
How can you tell if someone
is really right for you?
A. There are really only
two ways. First, by being clear about
who you are and what you want in a relationship.
Mr. Right is not the guy who pays attention to
you. The right person for you is the one who meets
your requirements, needs, and wants. And these
requirements, needs, and wants are yours to decide.
Not friends, not parents, not even children: yours.
It is, after all, your life and your relationship.
Second,
you can test these requirements, needs, and wants
by dating a lot of people. No individual
will satisfy all your requirements, needs, and
wants. But if you have dated several dozen prospects
instead of just several, you'll have a greater
chance of finding someone who comes closest to
fitting your image of the ideal partner. Said
another way, how can you know what your favorite
flavor is if vanilla is all you've ever tasted?
Q.
I am in a committed relationship,
but my boyfriend never tells me he loves me. He
also doesn't want to talk about future plans.
He says there'll be time for that later. How can
I get him to discuss the next steps in our relationship?
A. Wake up, girlfriend.
You're committed to the relationship,
but he obviously is not. A committed relationship
has both partners acknowledging to each other
and to the world that the relationship is exclusive
and permanent. By the way, he's not wrong. The
two of you just want different things out of the
relationship. You have a choice to make: you can
wait for him to commit and to want what you want.
Or, you can leave to make room in your life for
someone who does want the same committed relationship.
I
know it's scary to start over, but realize that
this guy may never commit. Someday, you
may look back and realize that you've wasted a
lot of years waiting. There are men out there
right now who are looking for that committed relationship.
So go find one of them, or just keep waiting.
Q.
I've been in a relationship
for several years, and just found out my boyfriend
is married. I'm just devastated. How can I make
him leave his wife? I'm afraid to tell him that
it's either her or me. What do I do?
A. Sorry to tell you this,
but it's going to be her. You're just the girlfriend,
the affair, the convenient honey. Despite
your (I assume) passionate and romantic relationship,
he still hasn't found the motivation to leave
his wife, has he? And the research is pretty convincing:
men who leave their wives for their girlfriends
usually break up with the girlfriends, even if
the men married them.
However,
there's a bigger issue here. This man
has been lying to you throughout your entire relationship.
Just reverse the situation: by not telling you
about his wife, this guy has been cheating on
you as well! Now that you've caught him, he'll
probably do what cheaters do in this situation.
He'll say he's sorry, beg forgiveness, and do
almost anything to have things the way they were.
Of course, that means wife at home and you on
the side. Be strong. You deserve a man all your
own. Dump him today.
Q.
I think my husband's cheating
on me. How can I tell for sure?
A.
Do you have any real
clues, or are you just insecure in a relationship
that doesn't meet your needs? If
it's your insecurity, find out why you feel that
way. Otherwise, you'll both be unhappy because
your husband will never be able to reassure you
no matter what he does.
On
the other hand, most cheaters are pretty bad at
covering their tracks. Either they want
to be caught so that their spouses will leave
them, and then they'll be free. Or, the non-cheating
spouse is in denial despite clues everywhere.
There
are a number of good books that can help you with
the detective work to catch a cheater. Some
of them are listed in the Resources section of
this website. Mostly, just keep your eyes open
and listen to your heart.
When you have hard evidence or a confession
it will be put up or shut up time, and that will
be painful. This is why so many people
stay in denial. But, you deserve better. So if
the cheating is real, fix it or leave. Don't tolerate.
Good luck.
Q.
I just found out that my boyfriend
has been cheating on me with several of my friends.
When I confronted him he told me things will be
different when we're married. But, I still can't
get over his infidelity. Am I just being childish,
or will things get better after the wedding?
A. You've just hit on one
of the key reasons so many relationships and marriages
fail. People don't change. By the age
of 20 or so, people are who they are. Actually,
most marriages don't go bad. They started out
bad because one person picked the wrong partner.
You've hooked up with a cheater.
If
he doesn't take your relationship seriously, why
would he be monogamous in a marriage? You
can do better. Leave now. And, by the way, these
are friends?
Q.
After a number of relationships-some
serious-here I am alone again. What can I do to
find someone who wants along-term, committed relationship?
A. This will sound backward,
but the answer is to be more choosey.
Many singles are desperate to get into a relationship,
so they settle for the next person that pays them
some attention. The result is an unhappy relationship
that fails when one partner realizes that they
are a poor match.
It's
the difference between having a relationship and
being in the right relationship. Next
time around, take your time, be more selective,
and make your next relationship your last relationship.
Q.
I am divorced with two
children at home. I've dated a number of men.
But, when they find out I have kids, they bolt.
I love my children, but I want a life partner
as well. Help!
A. You don't have to tell
all on the first date. The first date
is just getting to know the other person well
enough to decide if you want a second or third
date. By that third date, however, he deserves
to know your family situation (and you his). Hiding
your motherhood until the two of you are emotionally
attached is less than honest.
It would be normal for the man to feel
used and deceived. And all good relationships
are based on openness and honesty. Besides, if
a man doesn't want an instant family, he's not
wrong. He's just wrong for you.
Be
honest about your situation. By not wasting
your time on men who don't want children, you
will be keeping yourself open to meet and date
men who do like kids. And, especially, men who
will like your kids.
Coach Alan |
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